it Hurts to be Awake

as I lie in bed, trying to fall asleep,
I can feel the pain traveling through my body
like an elevator,
going up, going down, going up, never stopping, not even for a second.

pain is ever-present, like the smog in every city;
you can’t always see it,
but you know it’s there.
you feel it, you breathe it,
you learn to live with it — until you can no more.

my rituals fail me every day.
I gave up smoking and so many other things
that brought me joy —
the joy of knowing you are young,
you are strong, you are intangible,
you can smoke now because you are all these things
and nothing can hurt you.
but I am not.
I am not intangible.
I am not invincible.
I have my limits
and I’m approaching them
this very instant.

I’m a fast-moving car heading towards a brick wall.

As I sit here and type
I try to ignore the stabbing pain
that seems to have hunkered down
between my shoulder blades.
I keep stretching and
pulling my muscles
in the hopes that all that stretching
might cut it loose.
but it doesn’t.
I am in a perpetual state of pain.

they say that nothing in life lasts forever.
but I have found that to be untrue
when it comes to pain.
pain does last. it stays with you.
you can take medication, you can do yoga,
you can smoke pot — but nothing
will obliterate its presence.
you can dim the feeling of pain
but you can’t make it go away…